Is it cabin fever or something else?

It's been a long, hard winter. Everyone I've spoken to has said the same... they are suffering from a case of "cabin fever."

While we've managed to stay active this winter, I am a procrastinator. Dawdler if you prefer.

This "defect" usually is manageable. Over the years I've learned to control myself and to remain driven, focused and goal oriented... while inside I my personality wishes for more time to dilly dally.  If I had may chance, I would float adrift through the day like a dandelion seed on the wind.

Lately however a (dare we say) "disorder" has begun to leak over into my routine. I catch myself day dreaming...  fingers paused above the keyboard...  waiting for my brain to once again take command.

To use an example, when I begin to research a topic at work for a writing assignment, I find I become totally absorbed in the topic, opening window after window looking for more detail.  Far beyond what's required to complete the paragraph.  I catch this behavior and scold myself for lack of discipline.

Recently, I have to make check-lists just to keep my mind focused on the tasks I have to complete that day. I use a second calendar to keep track of chores I need to do at home, even simple things like remembering to buy dog food for the dog.

In all of this "control" I'm forcing upon myself... I'm losing myself.  The tighter I squeeze, the more it seems my spirit is slipping away.  What is going on?  Is it cabin fever, my procrastination DNA taking over or is it something new?

People have always joked about having "ADD."  This is a serious diagnosis, and no wonder in today's digitally charged, on 24/7 world.  I've worked with people who (I've self-diagnosed) have ADD.  I've suffered under managers with ADD, who were impatient to listen to you, changed their mind frequently during the coarse of a project, and whom you never knew if they were happy with your work or just tolerant.  I know ADD, and I don't feel my symptoms align with the diagnosis, and yet...

• Disorganization - I would not say I'm disorganized.  As a matter of fact the opposite is true.  I'm more prepared than any Girl Scout could ever dream herself to be.  I know the map route, and three alternate routes, as well as points of interest along the way.  I've not lost my wallet or keys since college.  
• But...  the calendar I manage makes sure my coats are dry cleaned regularly, my car is washed on a schedule, and my family never, EVER, runs out of milk.   I keep a very tight lid on my pot... I must... otherwise it's chaos.
• Impulsive - Given the fact I'm a person who's life can be described through a check-list of daily tasks... I wouldn't initially describe myself as impulsive.  
• But... I never finish self-assignments, specifically creative projects.  My husband is always charring me over this.  I start a painting... work on it diligently, bringing it to a point where it's 90% complete... then stop.  I stop usually because I'm distracted by a new project.  To get me to return to the first project agitates me more than it brings pleasure.  
• Emotional - I you were to ask my friends about my emotional disposition, I think the response you would get would be "cool and reserved."  As a matter of fact I've been told on more than one occasion, that I'm unreadable.  It's not that I walk around with a skulk on my face.  It's just that behind my smile, friends wonder if I'm simply impassive or just keeping that lid held tightly on a pot about to boil over. 
• So... let's talk about feelings.  I have very strong feelings about the things I see, read and hear.  The depth of which sometimes scar me.  Yes scar, not scare.  I've learned to use them to fuel my behavior when I need it.  Sorrow drives my compassion and creativity.  Anger drives my bravery and fortitude.  Happiness... well... happiness... calms me when I feel I can no longer suffocate the scream stuck in my throat. I bury my feelings to protect myself against things that are too much for me to intake.
• Restless - Off all the symptoms, this is the only one that I think is self-evident.  I wake up and go, go, go until I'm have to pass out exhausted.  I keep working until the job is done, sometimes forgetting to eat.  Never concerning myself over lack of sleep. I never like doing the same thing twice.  I take different routes to work, need to constantly cook new foods, travel to new destinations.  At times the inner restlessness gets to be so tremendous I dream about "giving it all up" to run away and start life again, with a new name - a blank slate - no baggage.  On days like those, I put on my running shoes, and run for miles...  away, or towards something I'm not sure. 

So in conclusion - there isn't anything to prescribe here.  It's cabin fever and I'm like so many other mid-lifers - questioning how it is they got where they are today.  Wishing, day-dreaming that some aspect of their life were different. I have a good life.  A great life if you were to carefully examine it. I'm not regretting my decisions, I'm simply examining my thoughts and feelings - trying to discover a why behind the what.  

The weather will warm.  The cool breezes will start.  The sun will illuminate the shadows showing me there are no monsters hidden in the corners.  All is well.  All is right.  The world will bloom and be new again.